You almost had me there; you really did. But you didn’t win. As I sit here at the tail end of you, I can finally say, I’m back. It wasn’t just you – it was a few of those that came before you, but you certainly pushed me in ways I never could have imagined would happen. I am proud to say that I made it through and what I see now and connect to now is the me I have been working so hard to be.
I have spent so much time during your year digging and investigating my why and my what and my how. I have asked myself over and over why I feel a certain way. I have taken myself back to feelings of shame, sadness, rejection and self-loathing to truly understand why those feelings were even present. I watched my story as it unfolded during those times and worked so hard to push through the narrative that was created then, release, and create the new narrative I want to live now. I asked myself how I want to feel now and what I want my life to look like, and how I want to live within myself day in and day out.
During so many days my brain presented the right answers that I knew were best for me, but my heart struggled to connect. But I continued to work. I added these pieces to my life that I never thought I would have, and pushed myself out of my comfort zones. I cried, I destructed, I wrote, I meditated, I explored, I rested, I wrote, I read, I cried some more, I questioned, and I reflected; every single day. I held on to what I knew was the best thing for me, continuing to work, continuing to invest in myself. But I still didn’t feel like it was connecting. And then came 3 weeks ago where it felt like a piece of me was dying inside.
I’ve never in my life felt so low. I reached a level of burn out that actually scared me. I needed to shut off the world, and just lay. My body needed to rest, my mind needed to rest, and I needed to literally just sit and lay. That was truly all I felt like I could do…and I hated it. I hated feeling that way. I allowed myself to do it and feel it because I knew I needed it, but I absolutely hated it. So, I again began to question. What is it that I needed? Was this going to last? How am I going to get through this and release? It took the full 3 days I gave myself, and some trial and error, but the right and true answer came to me. It included vulnerability and connecting to myself, and others, in the way I had been denying because I had been hurt in the past. But I had faith that all the work I had done allowed me to move through those past hurts and allow myself to connect once again. Monday morning I connected. And it worked. It worked in the way that I knew it could, and had faith it could, but had a slight fear in it all. It worked in the way that I looked forward to waking up and had something to look forward to again, and it worked in a way that allowed me to feel a sense of accomplishment and pride each day beyond my job. It worked in a way that I felt strong again; I felt confident again; I felt alive again. And now, I’m back.
I’m back in a way that I remember these feelings of strength, and pride and accomplishment, but I’ve evolved in a way that I am allowing these feelings to lead in my life through the self that I have worked so hard to uncover, not the one that is begging to get out. My core self is here – and I’m here to stay. Thank you, 2020, for pushing me; for giving me the time I needed, for giving me no other option but to uncover my me.