With eyes wide open, butterflies deep within me, I was eager for the beginning a new year typically promises. I set lofty goals, had high expectations, and was overall filled with joy and gratitude as I turned the corner into 2020.
Looking back now, maybe I was a little naïve to think that you would be the best yet. Instead of fulfilling big dreams, creating a vision for my future, getting a promotion, sticking to my resolutions, and all the other plans I had, you disrupted my routine. Showed up unannounced, showed me pain, endured fury and a flame within me I didn’t know I had.
I honestly forgive you. It wasn’t all bad. There was still so much good. So many times I was able to take things as they unfolded and not have an expectation of the outcome being perfect. It was a breath of fresh air to not have to have the stress of showing up perfectly each time, to be flawed. I gave myself a lot of grace. It certainly wasn’t easy. It was lonely. It still is lonely sometimes, but at least I have some clarity on what lies ahead for me. I know that I can show up for myself when my back is against the wall. Instead of running scared, I learned to ride your wave and surrender to you.
You showed me the importance of slowing down. The importance of stepping back to look at the bigger picture. I learned to capitalize on small moments and to not take those things for granted. I was intentional about giving others the benefit of the doubt because I know that everyone’s load is heavy.
Thank you for allowing me to understand myself better than before. Thank you for proving to me that I don’t need to have it all figured out. Thank you for shaking up my plateau.
Others may view this as a time of uncertainty and chaos, and while I agree with them, I also agree that sometimes our brightest lights shine in dark times, and brings new life to things that we previously have pushed away.